The Slackers' Cafe

Some Christmas Cheer...

2011-12-19T21:40:00.003Z

...or at least the possibility of some. In the new year I stand to start working on a community project, where I've been volunteering for the last few months. It offers the possibility of two days paid work a week and the prospect of doing something I enjoy in the process of earning it.

The other bit of news is that I will hopefully be moving from the suburban sprawl of Slackertown to the altogether more pleasant surroundings of Slackerville, altogether closer to the sticks.

It's been a long road even to get to where I am now, but things do finally seem to be moving in the right direction, without me having to compromise over taking a shitty job in some god-forsaken bank or some such.

Happy slacking one and all, and may 2012 bring you all closer to your own goals :)

Up the Workers!

2011-11-30T07:09:00.001Z

All the best to the public sector strikers in their quest to hold onto their pension rights and maintain the current retirement age. The Tories want to return to the values of the 19th century, and if we don't put up with a fight the current assortment of public school scumbags will succeed where Thatcher ultimately failed. Good luck!

And while I'm on, rest in peace Gary Speed :(

"Pull yourself together, there's nothing wrong with you!"

2011-11-21T07:13:00.001Z

...a phrase I fear that those visiting their doctor will be hearing before too long.

In their latest attempt to hurl Britain's working conditions back into the 19th century, the Tories (and their faithful Lib Dem lapdogs) are proposing to stop GPs from signing their patients off on the sick. Instead, they would face an 'independent assessment panel', which would be independent only insofar as to have no interest in the actual well-being of the patient. Despite dressing up this monstrous act as an attempt to help people back to work, the real truth of the matter lies in this sentence:

The report authors estimate the changes could save taxpayers at least £350m each year.

Or in other words:

If a few people get sent back to work they're not suitable for/unable to carry out and their lives are shortened in some way because of it, who cares? There's plenty more where they came from, and '£15bn in lost economic output' is a far more important consideration than the lives of a few people who wouldn't have voted Tory anyway.

All this is merely the latest indictment of the moral bankrupcy and general dearth of ideas that plagues the Conservative party. It simply underlines the sad truth that in 30 years they've progressed no further than the "Fuck You, I'm Alright" politics of Cameron's idol, the evil despot Margaret Thatcher. How very, very depressing.

Three years!

2011-11-16T17:32:00.001Z

I started writing this blog a few months before it was initially published. The first half-dozen or so articles which pretty much lay out the slacker manifesto were written as a displacement activity while I was enduring the last few months of a hateful job. That and a pretty horrendous (and largely self-inflicted) personal issue which I was trying and failing to work through. Writing those articles helped me immensely and gave me a focus beyond my immediate problems, but I certainly never envisaged that the blog would still be alive after three years. Yet here it is.

Time passes, and things have improved greatly. I work less and spend more time on the things (and people) that I value. I still write because I enjoy it, and I hope it may be of use to someone considering taking the leap of faith that I made in leaving my job. I know my writing style isn't particularly entertaining, but I hope that my experiences and the information imparted make up for that. If this site has helped even one person to change their lifestyle for the better then I'm happy that my time on here has been well spent :)

The kettle is on, as ever... pass the Jaffa Cakes!

Five Hours a Day

2011-09-30T11:01:00.003+01:00

That's how long you're supposed to spend looking for work if you're on the dole, according to some vague consultation with the Great Unwashed. Even if you really wanted to waste that much of your day on jobhunting would it even be possible? I struggle to meet their quoted actual figure of eight minutes, and that's for the whole week!

But then this doesn't affect me, happily, because I make enough money (just) to keep me out of the clutches of the DSS. My heart goes out to those unfortunate enough to be beholden to this hateful organisation.

More Cookery Stuff

2011-09-24T15:39:00.001+01:00

Moving on from last week's Yellow Sticker game... I was looking to stew some apples from the tree standing in the garden here at Slacker Towers and in doing so happened across an excellent blog on the subject of economical cookery. Now added to the site links!

The Yellow Sticker Game - Day 7

2011-09-18T21:28:00.003+01:00

Today sees the end of my little experiment... we had the last of my carrot and coriander soup for lunch. Tea was in the shape of a fish pie: haddock, salmon and prawns (all from my freezer, all reduced to at least 1/2 price), the last of the potatoes I got earlier in the week and some reduced parsley. And very nice it was too, even if I do say so myself. Mrs Slacker made an apple crumble for desert, using the apples from our tree - bonus!

Yellow sticker shopping really makes a difference to your spending on food, and I hope this week's flurry of activity has shown that you can eat well from the 'Reduced' fridge. Go on, give it a try!

The Yellow Sticker Game - Day 5 and 6

2011-09-17T17:53:00.000+01:00

OK, I forgot yesterday... got some lovely fresh haddock fillets down from £4.25 to £2. Those went with some potatoes (half price) and parsley (20p) to make fishcakes for yesterday's tea. Lunch was beans on toast, mostly because I couldn't be arsed to do anything else.

Today's lunch was potato salad, humous, Caesar salad and cheese with a crusty roll (little salad pots all on reduction and the rolls 10p each). Tea will be pasta made with the remnants of this week's veg, neatly finishing them off!

The Yellow Sticker Game - Day 4

2011-09-15T23:50:00.000+01:00

Today I made cheese salad sandwiches for lunch (using stuff left from yesterday) and re-heated the lamb casserole for tea - YAY FOR SLACKER COOKERY :D

A Laudable Sentiment

2011-09-15T07:58:00.002+01:00

Up to 3 million public sector workers, including nurses, teachers and careworkers, are expected to take part in industrial action on November 30th, with at least 14 unions committed to strikes over government pension reforms.

Best of luck to the strikers - this is an issue far too important to be left in the hands of Dave and his public school chums.

The Yellow Sticker Game - Day 3

2011-09-14T13:55:00.001+01:00

Last night I picked up the following:

half-price cous cous
three bags of salad (12p each!)
half price blue cheese
rustic bread rolls (10p each)

That's lunch taken care of then. Still got some soup left, but that's gone in the freezer - I like a change :D

Tea will be lamb casserole - leg of lamb £7 (down from £14), half price potatoes, some of the remaining carrots from Day 1 and I bought a few parsnips. All of this into the slow cooker with a couple of pints of stock = RESULT! This will make enough for the next couple of days at least.

So far, so good!

The Yellow Sticker Game - Day 2

2011-09-13T10:51:00.000+01:00

So yesterday I got 2 x corn on the cob down from £1.99 to 50p, nice starter for tonight's tea. We'll be having pasta with some reduced courgettes, carrots, sugar snap peas and peppers I scored and I'll be using some tasty Bertolli pesto I got from Home Bargains for 50p. That was all so cheap I bought the nice fresh pasta as a treat!

Lunch will be carrot and coriander soup again, top value at about 25p a serving :)

[BTW in case you're wondering, I'm not making any special trips to the supermarket to get this food. It's all bought from shops that I'm passing in the course of my normal daily movements.]

The Yellow Sticker Game!

2011-09-12T09:27:00.000+01:00

As part of my 'Spend Less, Earn Less' ideology I make full use of short date, reduced-price supermarket food. This week, I'm going to take it a step further and see if I can't make the week's meals using only food bearing a yellow sticker. This will mean the onerous effort of actually blogging every day for a week, but I feel that I'm equal to the challenge :)

Let's kick off with the stuff I bought yesterday. I'll be having carrot and coriander soup for lunch - carrots were 35p for 2 kilos and the coriander came from a marked-down plant at 60p. With a couple of onions and cloves of garlic this made 4 jars of tasty soup. Good start, eh?

When the OH gets in we'll be having stir-fry for tea. I scored 2 packs of veggies (baby sweetcorn, petit pois, baby carrots and fine beans) down from £2.49 to just 80p. Chef Kuo noodles and Blue Dragon stir-fry sauces from Home Bargains.

More tomorrow!

Skip Diving

2011-09-08T07:48:00.002+01:00

It's been ages since I found anything really good in skip but a couple of days ago I had a great score from one left outside a nearby school. On passing by I noticed a Yamaha keyboard sticking out of said skip, closer investigation revealing that it was full of them!

With help from a car-owning band member we got them all back to our rehearsal hovel for further investigation... they were all faulty but most just needed the power socket repairing or replacing. Cannibalising some to repair others we ended up with seven fully operational ones! Better still, there were a couple of early Portasound models which are great for retro-sounding keyboard textures. These didn't even need repairing, I guess they'd simply been slung for being old. But I've saved the best for last... there was a 49-key midi controller at the bottom of the pile! This had been dismantled, but on reassembly it worked perfectly! We've had an old PC loaded with software synthesizers for ages but until now there's been no means of controlling them effectively. This is going to be fun :)

If you see a skip, it's always worth a minute of your time to peek over the top!

Why Your Boss is an Arsehole

2011-09-06T10:58:00.001+01:00

This article merely confirms something I've suspected for a very long time:

One out of every 25 business leaders could be psychopathic, a study claims.

The study, conducted by the New York psychologist Paul Babiak, suggests that they disguise the condition by hiding behind their high status, playing up their charm and by manipulating others.

Either I've been very unlucky or there's more than 1 in every 25!

Where is the Slackers' Cafe?

2011-09-05T10:43:00.000+01:00

I've been asked this a couple of times now and the answer is simple - wherever you want it to be!

For me it's on a long stretch of particularly fine North Wales beach, situated atop the dunes, with a glorious sea view. The place actually existed when I was a kid, sadly all that's left now is the sand-covered concrete base it was built upon, and the last remaining bits of the wooden building strewn around. I often find myself 'there' whenever I should be doing some work, filling in a job application etc. etc. Another top up, anyone?

Taking it Easy

2011-08-20T02:02:00.001+01:00

Well, here I am, just about to turn in after a fine day's walking on the North Wales coast, and another week of the same to look forward to.

While I was getting ready this morning I listened to a Radio Australia programme about a German dude who, after being told by his doctor to change his lifestyle. went off cycling round Australia. That was in 1994 and he's still there, only now accompanied by two donkeys pulling a caravan with a solar panel mounted on top. He attributes his success to working only as much as he has to, as he's got better things to do with his time. It was a fine way to start the day :)

Nos da.

How others see us

2011-08-09T20:17:00.003+01:00

Back in the day when I was a care-free undergraduate I had a huge crush on a girl. The complexity of this situation was somewhat exacerbated by the fact that she shared a house with my then girlfriend. We dressed alike - dyed hair and leather jackets - and we enjoyed the same music, and each other's company. Time passed, and my girlfriend and I eventually split up, but by the time that happened the object of my desire was in a relationship with someone else, and those circumstances continued until we left University and lost touch, as you do. I have since learned that my feelings were at least reciprocated, and I've always felt something was left unfulfilled about this episode.

Time passes (about 16 years to be precise) and I join a well-known social networking site for purely financial reasons. Anyway, one thing leads to another and I started looking a few people up. To my surprise there she was, looking little different to how I'd remembered her all those years ago. Married now (like me, very happily I may add) but still listed under her maiden name. I looked long at the little picture of her, smiling and as lovely as she ever was, the once coloured hair now back in its natural shade. She looks all grown up, in a way that I don't think I do.

I wondered how her life had progressed in the intervening years, and then I started to postulate on how she'd regard me after all this time. What would she think about the fact that I've not devoted myself to career or fatherhood, instead choosing to follow the call of the here and now. And that felt fucking weird, because in no other situation have I ever concerned myself with anyone else's perception of me and my life.

Isn't that strange? Someone I've not seen in a decade and a half can exert some sort of peer pressure on me. In a sense it was a good thing, because it forced me to think a bit (something I avoid wherever possible) and re-evaluate some of the decisions I've made in that time. And the conclusion I reached? Nothing earth shattering really... just that I'm happy with where I am now, I'm with a fantastic partner and I have a handful of good friends, a part-time job that I truthfully enjoy and a full tank of petrol in my bike :) We all make mistakes along the way, but the thing is not to spend too long mired in regret. You can't change the past and honestly I wouldn't want to, where I am now is a good place.

And will I be contacting the young lady in question? I think not. It's enough for me to know she's still out there and happy. I've got so many fond memories of the times we spent together (entirely platonic, I may add) and I wouldn't like to cause problems for either of us by attempting to revisit the past. She'll always have a place in my thoughts, and I hope she maybe spares the odd one for me every now and again too.

Blimey, that got a bit heavy. I think something stronger than Earl Grey is required now. Stay safe :)

How to get the better of an Overbearing Boss

2011-07-11T16:28:00.000+01:00

Slacker journalist Charles Walsh relates the tale of how he managed to escape the attentions of a workaholic, control freak boss. Nice one :)

We May Be Working Harder, But We’re Not All Living Longer

2011-06-29T07:50:00.001+01:00

An interesting article from MULE which nails the big fat lie underpinning the Tories hack'n'slash policy on public sector pensions, namely that we're all living longer.

"According to figures released by the Office of National Statistics earlier this month men in the city [Manchester] have only a 54 per cent chance of living to the age of 75, with women only having a 69 per cent chance – both being the worst in England and Wales. Neighbouring Salford is close to the bottom, with men having a 54.5 per cent chance to reach the age and women 68.4 per cent."

Song Of The Day

2011-06-14T00:13:00.000+01:00

I just want to sit here doing nothing
Everybody's talking saying nothing
Maybe I should move on somewhere else
Give up trying to be like someone else

Everybody's going crazy
I don't care
I'm so lazy

Quite content to let the world pass by
Living every moment with closed eyes
Draw the curtains tell the stars good night
Oh the dreams that wait for me tonight

This whole world's crazy
I don't care
I'm so lazy

I just want to sit here doing nothing
Everybody's talking saying nothing
Maybe I should move on somewhere else
Give up trying to be like someone else

Everybody's going crazy
I don't care
I'm so lazy

I think I'll go to sleep
I think I'll go to sleep
I think I'll go to sleep
I think I'll go to sleep

Ah, The Primitives... happy days :)

Who Wants a Job for Life Anyway?

2011-06-10T08:18:00.001+01:00

If you discount the large rump of Jeremy-Kyle-online-bingo-tracksuits puffing away on a fat one who refuse to engage in any activity outside of those mentioned, we're left (broadly speaking) with two groups of working-age people here in the UK.

The first of these are the ones who buy into the 'dream' - house ownership, family, cars, package holidays, sofas on tick and all the rest of it. Once you're on this particular merry-go-round it's difficult to get off, so most simply grit their teeth and count off the days until retirement (or death). It's very rare to find anyone lucky enough to have a job they enjoy, and even less likely that they'll still enjoy it after 40 years of the same.

The second are those who drift from one job to another, punctuated by periods of unemployment or voluntary work. To outsiders, it can seem that this group lack 'backbone' or 'moral fibre' as some commentators (Tory MPs, red top newspapers etc.) would have it. As one who is firmly esconced in this category I believe it's for an entirely different reason. We simply weren't meant to work at the same job for forty or fifty years.

Think of the lifestyle enjoyed by our long-lost ancestors: that of the hunter-gatherer. They travelled light, without reams of possessions because they had to be mobile in order to move to where the food was. Depending on the seasons they'd be looking for different foods in different locations, providing life with a deal more variety that that notably absent from thirty years in some sweaty call centre.

Crucially, that lifestyle bred self-sufficiency and economy into our psyche - values which are the opposite of those promoted by our beloved government and the corporations who really run the country. If we're perpetually in debt, and constantly bombarded with images telling us to Buy More Stuff then the pressure to keep working in some shitty job is great.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to go back to the Stone Age, merely that Mankind's wealth of experience (and more than a little evolution) is telling me that there's more to life than a gold clock :)

Tesco Is Evil: Yet More Proof (as if it were needed...)

2011-06-01T23:42:00.002+01:00

Picture the scene: a Tesco Express in Essex experiences power failure and slings out a large amount of perfectly good food that will no longer keep. A young woman, Sacha Hall, decides to rescue some of the food thinking that she'll be able to put it to good use by feeding her family.

'Nice one' you might say, but not Tesco. Oh no. They had Sacha charged with handling stolen goods, for which she received a fine of £215.

Over five million tonnes of perfectly usable food is wasted in Britain every year, and Tesco is clearly more than happy to contribute to this amount as long as it ensures that people have to buy stuff from the shop rather than save perfectly good food from ending up in the bin. Scum.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

2011-05-11T17:21:00.000+01:00

"Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do"
Oscar Wilde

Sending The Sick To Work

2011-05-11T08:17:00.000+01:00

It appears that the new sickness benefits tests are resulting in seriously ill people being sent back to work. What a surprise. The full report, produced by a group of six charities, is available here.

Yet again, this is a prime example of morally-bankrupt politicians embarking on a grubby vote-winning exercise. If there were any sincerity in the Tories' desire to get the unemployed back to work, then they'd start with the legions of fit, able and willing currently on the dole as a result of their policies. No, all this is designed to achieve is to help keep the Daily Mail readers on side with the least possible effort.

The Future Is Not Granted

2011-05-10T22:10:00.002+01:00

So the best thing you can do is not pretend that it is.‭ ‬Spending all your time planning and saving for a happy retirement will all come to naught if you are dead.‭ ‬Live in the present,‭ ‬and even if there isn't anything really exciting happening on the day‭ – ‬make the most of it.‭ ‬If you brew a cup of tea,‭ ‬make it a good one.‭ ‬On days when you're absolutely compelled to be at work‭ – ‬you couldn't have rung in sick‭? ‬-‭ ‬then focus on the bits of the day you can enjoy.‭ ‬Like the small victories‭ – ‬free phone calls,‭ ‬posting on your favourite web forums,‭ ‬planning your next sickie etc.

The only things you should plan with any certainty are things in the near future that you will enjoy.‭ ‬So if there's a festival you want to go to next Summer,‭ ‬or a mate in another country you want to visit then do your research‭ (‬in the firm's time,‭ ‬natch‭) ‬and get it under way.‭ ‬Keep these promises to yourself in spite of anything else that may arise,‭ ‬especially work related nonsense.

Don't worry unduly about the future,‭ ‬as something will always come along before that little problem ever gets here.

How to be an Efficient Slacker at Work and Leave Early

2011-05-10T08:01:00.000+01:00

"Today I will give a brief overview on how you can be less productive at work, and seem like you are accomplishing more than your fellow co-workers. The first half will describe steps you can take at the office to decrease productivity, and the latter half will delve into how you can leave your work early."

An excellent article from the long-defunct You Look Like I Need A Drink blog.

Public Sector Slacking

2011-05-07T09:51:00.000+01:00

A recent study undertaken by PricewaterhouseCoopers shows that Britain's public sector workers take an average of 12.2 sick days a year. I'm sure you will agree with me that this is a disgrace - it's not nearly enough!

Try harder people - a month off on the sick each year is the minimum you should aim for :)

The Alternative Vote

2011-05-05T16:00:00.001+01:00

Well, today's the day but what's a slacker to do? To be honest, honest isn't a word you could apply to politicians of any hue so is there really any point?

Well, if AV pisses off the Tories so mightily then it gets my vote. Granted, AV's biggest supporter Nick Clegg is a treacherous twat but he won't be around forever and it's just possible that some of the smaller (non-fascist) parties that might benefit from AV will do some good. Or not.

Census Fallout

2011-05-03T23:52:00.002+01:00

The BBC are today reporting that teams of investigators are being used to follow up on addresses that haven't returned a census form:

"Where people refuse to complete their form, a formal investigation is undertaken and they can be interviewed under caution, evidence gathered and those details passed to the Crown Prosecution Service."

This matter was discussed in the census collector training that I attended prior to my recent 'employment' in that capacity. With a little judicious questioning our trainer, rather surprisingly, provided us with the following nuggets of information:

The term 'under caution' is meaningless in this context - a census investigator does not have police powers, or even the powers of a PCSO. In this sense you or I could interview someone 'under caution' and it would have exactly the same legal standing - absolutely none. This is just a cheap ploy by the ONS to harass householders into complying.
There are almost no investigators - just 100 teams to cover the whole of the UK, in fact, with approximately 7 million households yet to fill in a questionnaire. Given those odds it's extremely unlikely you'll even get a knock on the door, far less a court summons.
Prosecution is almost never used anyway. Our helpful trainer explained that prosecutions are extremely rare - just 39 were made following on from the 2001 census. This is for several reasons: the expense and scarcity of investigators has to be set against the likelihood of getting a conviction. They also have to take into account that the much-touted £1000 fine is the maximum possible. Even if they do get a conviction, the fine is means tested and is usually more of the order of £50 meaning it's nigh on impossible to cover the costs of bringing a case to court.

The bottom line is this: the census works on addresses, not names. If you don't talk to them then they have no way of bringing court action against you. Court action can only be taken against a person, not a property. Once again, this information was related by our helpful Capita census collector trainer.

Stand firm, folks :)

Freeman Or Free Man?

2011-05-03T12:32:00.003+01:00

I've been hearing and reading more and more about the Freeman movement. As I understood it, it seemed to be based on separating the person from the legal entity of the person and as such offered certain possibilities to those of a slacker persuasion. Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is somewhat different.

Most of the active discussion forums on this subject were spawned from that well-known hangout of tinfoil hat-wearers, the David Icke forum. Others that I found were largely populated by passive-aggressive nutters who seem to think that driving around in ininsured, untaxed cars constituted being a Freeman. The parent website to that forum contains such enlightemnent as this:

16. "I feel 'guilty', because I owe the money". No, you don't owe a damn thing! When taking out the loan, you were 'loaned' back what was yours in the first place. You created the 'money' when you signed the Loan or Credit Application. By doing so, YOU gave THEM a Negotiable Instrument called 'the money'. They cashed this in(*), and then used that to loan you back your own money. You don't owe a damn thing! THEY owe YOU - an apology at the very least - for applying this confidence trick on you - AND FOR CHASING YOU FOR SOMETHING YOU ALREADY GAVE THEM.

Riiiiiight. On the very top page of the site it says:

As with everything, be careful about being ripped off. Nothing on this site will ever have a price tag

So I decided to read a bit more...

I recently attempted to write down what we have discovered in a book. A book that can be read online, Chapter by Chapter.

Excellent! That sounds like what I need. I followed the link:

Freedom Is More Than Just A Seven-Letter Word
a book by Veronica: of the Chapman family
Available as a paperback in bookstores (and Amazon) via its ISBN 978-1-906169-67-1

£7.18 looks pretty much like a price tag to me. Ho hum.

There might well be more to this than meets the eye, but the only 'successes' I could find were posted on the aforementioned forums by people with, I suspect, only a partial grasp of sanity at best. Some also had strange ideas of what constituted success - fines, imprisonment, vehicle confiscations and the like.

Based on all this I don't think I'll be changing my name to Slacker of the Slacker Family (Commonly Known As) anytime soon :D

Census Summary

2011-05-02T22:47:00.001+01:00

Well, all in all it's been a pretty profitable month in the employ of Capita, aka The Census. The first week I did put in a fair number of hours, but that was always going to be the case until I worked out how the whole racket hung together.

Each property visited had to be recorded - date and time - on a log sheet. The first fiddle was to add a few minutes to each visit so that you could finish the shift at least an hour early. After a week you got a good idea of who was going to answer the door and who wasn't, and also which properties were vacant. Consequently I spent less time each week actually visiting houses, and more time falsifying the record sheets.

The first week I worked the full 37 hours, the second more like 15. Last week it was maybe 5 and this week I haven't done anything. It's been the easiest thing in the world to keep filling in the forms as if I've been knocking on doors and getting no replies. And as we enter the last week I've covered my arse by declaring a few of the empty properties I've found day by day so it looks like I've been working instead of slacking off like a good 'un.

I'm signing off in a couple of days, and I'll enjoy spending the money they've paid me on road trips and festivals and the like. Hope you didn't fill your form in, I certainly didn't!

The Ultimate Slacker Transport?

2011-04-28T00:56:00.001+01:00

I want one.

Poly Styrene RIP

2011-04-26T22:44:00.000+01:00

It's a bit off-topic for this blog, but fuck it - it's my blog after all - we are today mourning the loss of one of punk's leading lights. Marianne Elliot-Said, aka X-ray Spex singer Poly Styrene, passed away yesterday after struggling against breast cancer. She was just 53 years old :(

It only seems like moments since we lost Ari Up and now this. I'm so sad tonight.

If you happen to be near a radio tuned to 87.5FM this evening and it's blasting out X-ray Spex and Poly Styrene tunes then you couldn't be a million miles from me right now. Enjoy...

Tossing it off

2011-04-16T15:21:00.002+01:00

The Census lark is going exactly as I'd hoped/imagined, more on this in a few weeks...

A Summer Residence

2011-03-27T19:54:00.001+01:00

As the better weather approaches inevitably my mind turns to spending time anywhere other than Slackertown's overcrowded surburban sprawl. Naturally I plan to ride out to more than a few festivals this year, but wouldn't it be nice to have somewhere to retreat to when you don't want to be surrounded by other people's BBQ smoke and bad taste in music?

I have a friend with a storage place out in the sticks, about half an hour's ride from here. It's in a nice rural location, and he's happy for me to keep something over there too as long as it doesn't take up too much space. To that end I'm thinking about a folding caravan which I can simply erect and hook up once I get there. On days when I don't have the time (or cash) to travel to the coast or some such I can simply go over there and lard about - watch a DVD, read a book or just enjoy the view of the rolling fields. Indeed if my OH is out of town with work I could even have a few mates stay over for a beer or two and some charred sausages. Best save some cash from this census form collecting lark then, eh?

Shorts

2011-03-13T17:41:00.001Z

Today marks the first shorts day of 2011 - yay :D

The First Slacker App?

2011-03-02T18:14:00.001Z

Skiver is an Android app designed to produce plausible excuses for anyone about to ring in sick.

It asks you how long you want off work, and generates a suitable ailment, along with a list of appropriate symptoms for you to use when making The Phone Call. It also suggests possible activities for you to undertake while slacking off, although I never have trouble with that bit.

I might have to get a smartphone if people start thinking of proper uses for them such as this :D

More Slacker Cookery

2011-03-02T12:35:00.003Z

OK, I got some cash at Christmas and spent it on a slow cooker. This is a great device - chuck in the ingredients and do nothing other than enjoy the delicious smells until it's time to eat! As I write there is a truly righteous curry on the go, here's how I did it:

soak some soya chunks in water overnight
boil the soya chunks for 1/2 hour or so (until soft)
make Tikka Masala paste in blender: 2 cloves garlic, lump of fresh ginger, 1tsp cayenne pepper, 1tsp paprika, 2tsp garam masala, 1/2tsp salt, some groundnut oil, good squirt of tomato puree, 2tbsp ground almonds, 1tbsp coconut powder, 1tsp cumin, 1 tsp coriander, bunch of fresh coriander, chillies to taste (dried or fresh)
fry curry paste with a couple of finely-chopped onions and the soya chunks
wang into slow cooker with two cans of chick peas and two cans of chopped tomatoes (drain some of the juice first)
give it a good stir, then leave for 8 hours or so
add single cream to taste just before serving

What d'you mean you haven't got all those spices? Get to your local Asian grocer, way cheaper than the supermarkets for this stuff and once you've got them in you just need to buy fresh ginger, garlic etc as you need it. I'm growing coriander and chillies on the window-ledge, which saves a bit more cash. I promise you it tastes so much better than anything that came out of a jar and it makes plenty to freeze, so plenty of nights off from cooking - bonus!

More Rehearsal Room Recommendations

2011-02-28T23:47:00.002Z

Currently in the pile next to the stereo in the tea drinking area:

Flying Saucer Attack - Chorus (Domino)
Kraftwerk - Kraftwerk 2 (Philips)
Throbbing Gristle - New TG (tape)
Dead C - Eusa Kills (Flying Nun)
Robert Rental and The Normal - Live at West Runton Pavilion (Rough Trade)
Spiritualized - The Complete Works Vols 1 and 2 (BMG)
The Future/The Human League - Golden Hour of The Future (Black Melody)
Mars - Seventy Eight (Atavistic)

I suspect we do more tea drinking than playing :)

More Census Shenanigans

2011-02-27T18:19:00.000Z

Well, I duly passed the telephone 'interview' (same questions as in the application form, with a couple of exceptions) and the subsequent on-line training and 'assessment' (keep taking the test and screen-printing the answers until you pass - much quicker than the suggested 3 hours) and it looks as if I will be a full-time Census form collector for a month or so.

It'll be the first time I've worked full-time for five years or thereabouts, so that in itself could prove to be a bit of a challenge :) I do have to attend a half-day training event, the content of which I can't even begin to imagine - "knock on door, ask for form, take form, leave, repeat ad nauseam" can't take a full four hours, can it? I've already started working a few hours a week in a field much more interesting to me, so I'll have to juggle a little in order to fit in the Census thing. Keep repeating the mantra - "it's only for a month, it's only for a month...".

I've actually started reading some of the endless piles of paperwork they've sent me, but only in order to determine what pattern of working will make my life easier. For instance, priority is given to visiting all addresses at least once. The type of visit that involves the least work on my behalf is when no-one's in, and I simply drop a 'Sorry I missed you' card through the door, so it will be to my advantage to make as many of these as humanly possible. I'll need to develop the level of skill displayed by Council workmen and the like in leaving nanoseconds between knocking on the door and deploying the aforementioned card, then buggering off sharpish... yes, this slacking lark is all about tactics. Tea, anyone? :D

Census Senselessness

2011-02-01T08:44:00.000Z

Collecting census forms seems like an agreeable paid skive for a few weeks so to that end I registered with Capita, who are responsible for recruiting temporary staff to this enterprise.

Within a day or so I had a reply which invited me to take part in a series of on-line tests designed, presumably, to weed out the likes of myself... Suffice to say, it didn't work :) Nonetheless, I feel it would be amusing to share here the level of cunning displayed in these glorified questionnaires. The 'test' concerned a ficticious community consultation project involving dropping leaflets and interviewing the great unwashed - here's a few of the most amusing bits. You'll need to click on the pictures to read the text as the previews have come out rather small.

Let's start off with grassing on your workmates:

Bizarrely I couldn't find an option for 'tell Derek to make sure he puts his unused leaflets in a bin well away from where he was supposed to deliver them' :D I'd also advise against making announcements like this where there's a good chance someone will grass him up to Mark*. Derek sounds like a man after my own heart.

*Mark is the 'boss' in each of these scenarios.

Inevitably, there's a complaint...

This seems unlikely, after all once told to piss off that's precisely what you'd do. Life's too short, right? Anyway, this is further complicated by a social arragement:

This is easy. Simply call Martyn and tell him you'll be at the pub by 5:30 then turn your mobile off. If you did check your email the boss won't know, because as a seasoned Slacker you turned off receipt requests in your email client. Go to the pub with your workmates, drink beer and be regaled with tales of what they did with their undelivered leaflets on today's shift :)

Next up, dealing with chavs:

Simple. Big dog? Scrap car in the garden? Fuck that. Next.

Again, this is an easy one. If you're going to run out of work by 1pm on your last day and you've got a final report to hand in that evening then the choice is clear. Finish work, head for the pub (where you find Derek, already half cut) and toss off the report over a pint or three. Text any agreeable members of your team to see if they'd like to join you once they've finished their day's labours.

Finally, putting yourself in danger for £8/hr...

Why would you do this? There are a number of approaches you can take. I'd favour one of the following:

Tell the boss you're happy to go back as long as you have an escort, preferably the boss himself. Then you'll see how safe he really thinks this mission is.
Take David to the pub and fill in the day's questionnaires yourselves, in a variety of different-coloured pens. Job done!

And as for the Record Book that I 'left on the bus', well - you can guess, can't you? There was much more of the same, dear reader, but I feel there is enough reproduced here to give you the idea. That, and I can't be arsed to do any more editing of screen grabs...

I'll be sure to let you know how it goes :)

Shuffle paper or make stuff?

2011-01-04T09:10:00.003Z

There's a lot to be said for having a job you enjoy. This article raises some good points about the relative merits of manual labour as opposed to the endless tedium of office work. I know I'm happier with, for example, a spanner in my hand than I ever was in my futile attempts at educating pork in a previous life.

Spreading the Word

2010-12-30T22:28:00.003Z

Last night I spoke to someone I used to work with; a friend who was employed at the hateful place I left just over a year ago. It transpires that there has been round after round of redundancies since I left thanks to a merger, and consequently she has moved to a part-time contract. Money's been tight, but the bills are getting paid and she's got more time for herself and those she loves.

Anyway, the point of me posting this here is that she said she wished she'd done this long ago - the extra money gained from working full-time (and beyond) simply wasn't worth the extra stress. Now when her employer tries to impose some new, onerous task upon her she simply reminds them of her part-time status and refuses politely. I was further heartened to hear that her decision to reduce her hours was influenced in part by seeing how working part-time allowed me to have more of a life. I've always felt that if my trumpeting the benefits of the Slacker lifestyle helps even one person see the light then it will have all been worthwhile, so I can't deny it pleased me to hear this.

Time for a brew, I think :)

In the Studio

2010-12-20T23:39:00.006Z

Now the Xmas holidays have arrived my band-mates have been temporarily freed from the clutches of their employers and we've spent the day at our palatial rehearsal and recording facility or - as it's more correctly described - a semi-derelict flat over a shop unit. How did we do? Well, a lot of tea got drunk, a lot of hot air was expended and some instruments got played every now and again :) I've been trying to impress upon them how much more fun life could be in they spent a bit less of it at work, and it might just be working...

The others have gone home now, but my OH is out of town visiting a friend so I'm spending the night here again threading up tape loops and coaxing weird noises out of one of our old synthesizers or other. It's not that cold, as there's a fair bit of heat rising from the shop unit below, so I shall potter about hanging microphones out of windows (a la Robert Rental) until I get tired and retire to my camp bed. You never know, by the time the others arrive tomorrow I might have something which will demonstrate that I'm the real talent in this outfit. Or not :D

It's all good fun though, innit? And that's what life's all about.

Slacking in Higher Education

2010-12-12T15:13:00.008Z

While it's encouraging to see the best bit of civil unrest since the 1991 Poll Tax riots, I do wonder if the point is being missed somewhat. It would not be necessary for Universities to increase tuition fees if we weren't desperately trying to get everything over the age of 18, regardless of how dim, onto a Degree course. We must not forget the greed of the Universities either, they simply see the opportunity to hike up tuition fees ad infinitum as a licence to print money.

Anyway, that's merely an aside. As everyone knows, the real reason for going to University is to avoid work for three or four years and, as far as I can ascertain, the new measures will do nothing to change the viability of that. Crucially, potential students have nothing to pay out up front. Debt is accrued over the duration of the course and is repayable at the end once the graduate's earnings reach £21000. Now most Slackers will graduate and go straight into part-time employment or some sort of McJob earning nothing like this figure, therefore this debt can be deferred indefinitely.

The only significant change for potential UniSlackers is that the new system will see unpaid loans written off after 30 years as opposed to the present limit of 25. Interest rates will be higher, but let's face it - what difference does that make if you're never going to pay it back?

Let's look at my example. I left University 15 years ago. I took out student loans throughout my course which duly became repayable after I graduated. I have never earned more than the amount which would trigger repayments from any one job. Some people, however, would earn more than the qualifying amount from two part-time jobs but would only declare one in order to get round this problem ;) To date I have made precisely no repayments on my loans whatsoever, and in 10 years time they will be written off completely.

The real news, then, is that University remains a top skive for the younger Slacker looking for a few years off after 6th form. Or even mature Slackers, as I was :)

Switch

2010-12-05T22:40:00.007Z

My broadband and telephone provider has given notice to put up my line rental and remove some of my free call allowances with effect from next month. So I shall respond by checking out the best deal on MoneySavingExpert* and changing to a cheaper supplier with all due haste. If you can spend less cash, that's less you need to earn. The irony of all this is that I will be moving no further than a different subsidiary of the same company, yet I'll be cutting my spend on phone and web by approximately half!

* While it does have its uses, MSE is a strange place. The forum is full of 'money savers' who find 'bargains' and then end up buying them for that reason (i.e. to 'save money') rather than for any great need of the product or service itself. But as we know, fellow Slackers, the best way to save money is to simply buy less stuff, and shop around for the things we really want or need.

ACAB

2010-12-04T11:16:00.008Z

Much has been written in recent months about the Lib Dem Con's intention to 'overhaul' (i.e. destroy) the system by which people qualify for Disability Living Allowance. If this did come to fruition, would it be too much to hope for that these donut-munching bastards would be first on the list?

With 10% of their number either on sick leave or 'restricted duties' (presumably a euphemism for 'going to the shop for more donuts') you'd think they'd be top of anyone's list of priorities. Except of course that Lib Dem Con will need the filth to control the populace in these times of austerity and civil unrest, so that'll be business as usual then...

Work from home? No thanks!

2010-12-03T16:38:00.006Z

Companies should let staff work from home at a time commuters will be confronted by snow, ice and another tube strike in London, a transport minister has said.

No doubt Mr Baker thinks this is an excellent idea, and home working isn't necessarily to be discouraged but in this case it definitely is.

Let's consider the current scenario:

snow falls
we phone in
have the day off.

Bargain :) Now let's look at what would happen if this proposal were to be carried through:

snow falls
we ring in,
boss pesters you all day and generally makes life difficult while expecting you to use your own resources (telephone, internet, heat, light) in the pursuit of work business.

Piss on that. No, even if this does come to fruition it will be easy to sabotage. Don't admit to having broadband at home, and as previously stated your employer should never be in possession of your mobile number. Combine this with actually turning on your answering machine (something I don't normally recommend) and returning your boss' calls about 45 minutes later should make for a largely uninterrupted day of building snowmen.

Snow!

2010-11-30T17:35:00.002Z

Once again the Slacker's favourite weather rolls into town... if you haven't had any snow yet I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. If you have then enjoy your day(s) off!

Home

2010-11-08T15:53:00.003Z

I know there's not a lot to be said for a goal-driven existence but one thing I would like to get sorted out in the near future is where and how I'm going to live in the longer term. My current abode is in what's best described as the suburbs, it's comfortable enough, granted, but it certainly doesn't hold any great interest for the future.

Now, I am aware that my limited means places some limits upon this plan, but I think it should be possible to realise it. First and foremost I would like to live by the coast. I have no great preference as to which one, but a seaside location is something that would mean a lot to me. As far as the accommodation itself goes, I would be happy with anything from a static caravan upwards. I'm more interested in having somewhere undercover to work on my bike and grow some fruit and veg. That said, if the accommodation turns out to be bricks and mortar then it'd be nice if there was an old tourer or some such out the back. I like caravans, they make me feel at ease.

I wonder how all this will unfold. Exciting, isn't it?

In praise of the public library

2010-11-05T09:40:00.002Z

The local library here in Slackertown has just been expensively refurbished, something that certainly would not have happened under the current Tory administration, and for this I am most grateful. As the winter months approach I will no doubt be spending progressively more of my time enjoying its hospitality.

As well as a world of reading and reference material, there are computers with free internet access. They already pay for heat and light, so I might just as well use theirs as pay for my own while reading and surfing the web. I can check out the local and national press, as well as a variety of other publications. There's even a coffee bar, although in the true impoverished Slacker fashion I shall stick with my trusty Thermos. And best of all there's a complete absence of the slack-jawed Chavs that infest our streets in ever increasing numbers. After all, what would they want with a building full of books?

Pensions

2010-10-25T15:12:00.003+01:00

So it seems that the already overworked Brits are to face waiting a further year for their old age pension, with retirement age eventually rising to 68. One wonders if this will be enough to stir the traditionally apathetic residents of the UK into action akin to that taken by our friends across the Channel. The French currently enjoy a retirement age of just 60, and they have reacted with typical Gallic zeal to proposals to increase this to 62. They certainly know how to stage a protest over there, let's hope we can take a leaf from their book when the time comes.

We're already seeing the effects of the 'work till you drop' culture here in Britain, so it should come as no surprise to anyone that more people than ever are being signed off work with stress-related illnesses. And the Tory government's answer to this? Make us work longer! Genius.

Voluntary Work

2010-10-19T07:15:00.004+01:00

I recently started working a couple of days a week with a voluntary organisation and got to thinking about one of the great conundrums of everyday life. How is it that so much of what takes place under the auspices of paid employment is unproductive nonsense with little or no value, when the voluntary sector takes care of so many important functions in our society?

At least the DSS seem to take a more enlightened view of volunteeering while unemployed these days, certainly more so than the last time I found myself at their tender mercies. It's just a shame that voluntary organisations can't be properly funded without having to go cap-in-hand to the National Lottery fund et al to get a year's worth of funding here and a year's worth there, never knowing what the next change of government or budget will bring. So much more good could be done with the ludicrous amounts of public money currently being wasted on maintaining two wars than is currently the case.

Sadly, the reason for this puzzling state of affairs is fairly simple: the beneficiaries of most voluntary organisations are often those least able to defend themselves - those members of society too old, sick, impecunious or otherwise disadvantaged to matter to our money-obsessed society. And this situation can only be exacerbated now that we find ourselves saddled with a Tory government hell-bent on ensuring the supremacy of its landed, off-shore moneyed masters. One can only marvel at the speed with which the Lib Dems abandoned their principles at the first sniff of power, ably demonstrating exactly why all politicians of every hue are the same - self-serving, lying, triple-faced bastards.

What can we do about all this? In a wider context, not much - politicians of all hues are vermin and voting one out and another in achieves little. On a small scale, however, we can do plenty. We must decide how much time we are prepared to spend working for The Man, and resist the urge to buy Steve Jobs' latest in-built-obsolescent iBollocks and think about the stuff that matters. The welfare of our communities and the need to live a happy and fulfilling life should be uppermost in our minds, rather than whether or not we can afford a new PDA.

I fear too many people have totally lost sight of the reasons for working and have allowed it to become a habit too deeply-entrenched to question. The concept of work isn't something I have a problem with, but it has to be useful. If you're just doing some pointless, mind-numbing job so that you can fill your house with more stuff then what's the point?

Long Trousers

2010-10-18T18:28:00.002+01:00

Today officially marks the end of shorts weather for 2010 :(

Burnley and Aberdeen beware!

2010-10-11T16:14:00.007+01:00

So the financial crisis has given the Conservative government (for that is what it is - so much for the Lib Dems keeping them honest) all the ammunition it needed to make savings in the time-honoured Tory fashion - by attacking those least able to defend themselves. I refer, of course, to the old, the unemployed and, in this specific instance, the sick. Yes, this delightful administration has decided to force the ill and disabled back into work. Either that or face the hassle of being on Jobseekers' Allowance.

Under the new system, all recipients of Incapacity Benefit will be forced to undergo a 'Work Capability Assessment', designed to deprive as many as possible of this benefit. Those who fail will lose carer entitlements and be placed on the lower level of subsistence offered by the JSA. The first victims will be amongst the middle-class suburbanites of Burnley and Aberdeen.

The exact nature of these tests has yet to be revealed, but The Slackers' Cafe is proud to announce the first public airing of the Work Capability Assessment questionnaires, as follows:

1) Do you have a head?
2) Can you breathe in and out?

If the answer to both of these questions is 'Yes' then get out there and find a job, you fucking scrounging bastard!

It's hard to know what the Lib Dem Con hopes to achieve by this, as there aren't enough jobs to go round as it is. All it will mean is more people on the dole. Reducing the unemployment figures will only be achieved by ending the iniquity of full-time employment. Only when more people abandon their unrealistic comsumerist aspirations and take up part-time posts (thereby becoming time-rich) will unemployment fall. Perhaps then the powers that be will see fit to leave alone those unable to work and let them get on with living their lives as fully as possible.

Tunes

2010-10-11T15:51:00.003+01:00

One of the things I miss most now that I am perpetually skint is the ability to buy CDs. Let me say at this point that I don't believe in downloading new music without paying for it either. There are plenty of fatuous arguments against this position but the reality is simple: if artists don't get paid they're going to find something else to do that makes them a living. What's quite different, however, is the downloading of out-of-print works. This deprives no-one of any income and is, in my book, fair game.

Here's one of my favourite blogs specialising in out-of-print reggae titles, and here's another. There's lots more out there for you to discover, offering all different genres of music. Happy hunting!

Slacker Jobs: #1 - Waste Site Operative

2010-10-05T00:52:00.005+01:00

[The first in an occasional series]

Now that I have been a man of leisure for some time I am frequently on the lookout for the sort of job that might suit my needs. That is, one that pays some sort of wage without actually involving much work, if any. In recent weeks I've made several visits to our local waste recycling site, or whatever the current terminology for the tip is, and I have been hugely impressed by the quality slacking that takes place there.

On my most recent visit I was lectured by a woman in a hi-vis vest who informed me that I wouldn't have been able to being my van in on any day other than a Wednesday (it was Wednesday). She seemed to have no other purpose for being there than this, and after speaking to me retreated to her seat in an old armchair at the entrance to the site. Apart from lighting a tab and going over to talk to two of her colleagues I saw no more activity from her. In fact, most of the movement amongst the Council employees gathered therein seemed to be based around their scavenging of small electrical items which had been deposited by that day's tip users.

I have to admit that my visits have become more like a time and motion study than the simple act of depositing waste materials, and it has led me to the conclusion that if a post does arise I will give serious consideration to applying. It really does look like my kind of job!

Work Can' t Buy You Happiness

2010-09-21T17:13:00.002+01:00

Firmly esconced in the category of 'Stating the Bleeding Obvious' is this story from the Guardian concerning a study which has found that those who work are no happier than those who don't. Somebody, somewhere got a grant for churning out this welcome if somewhat less than revelatory gem. Hmmm, that gives me an idea :)

Hiding Out

2010-09-08T23:41:00.003+01:00

"It's getting light
Outside is hostile
Shut yourself in here with me
Here we are safe"
(Blixa Bargeld)

I'm spending the night at the rehearsal room, there's no-one else here. There's a camp bed and a stereo in the room next door to where all the equipment is. There's some Krautrock, Syd era-Pink Floyd, some spoken word recordings, a Sun Ra compilation and a Nyabinghi drumming CD. Sometimes you can rejoice in knowing that nobody else has a clue where you are.

Life was never this exciting when I had a job :)

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

2010-08-26T10:50:00.003+01:00

Bronnie Ware's short list of the most common regrets of the dying is doing the rounds at the moment. While the list contains nothing you wouldn't expect to see, it's worth a look if only to remind ourselves of the need to live in the now:

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I didn't work so hard.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Let's make sure we're not uttering these same words when our time comes. Live well, fellow slackers, and do the things that make you happiest!

Seize the Day!

2010-08-19T21:56:00.000+01:00

In previous posts I've tried to emphasise the importance of being frugal with your dosh. If your situation is anything like mine then there certainly isn't a lot to go around.

That said, the sole reason for this financial prudence is to allow us to do the things we consider most important. Today, fellow Slackers, I have an example I would like to share with you: I've wanted to go on an overseas motorcycle road trip for a while now but finances have precluded this. Thinking 'I'll go next year, when there's more cash' I kept putting it off, until something forced me to analyse this logic more closely. What if I wait 'till next Summer only to find that I'm still skint? What if there is no next Summer?

So I dipped into the overdraft and bought a ferry ticket anyway. I decided not to worry about how I'd cover the cost. The trip was a great success, I enjoyed every mile and returned home in an excellent frame of mind. As if to prove the wisdom of my decision Slacker Enterprises came up with a sale to the tune of a few hundred quid so I'm actually a little less insolvent than I was before I rode off into the sunset! Oh yes :)

What's it come to when you can't even have a dump in peace?

2010-07-27T19:31:00.005+01:00

The super soaraway Snu reports today that Tesco are now using CCTV to victimise staff it suspects of slacking off in the toilets. There really are no words to describe the sort of vile, scummy, despicable organisation that would sink to these depths in order to spy on their staff so, dear reader, I shall leave that to your imagination.

What I will say is that Tesco and their ilk seem to think that those in their employ aren't worthy of being afforded even the most basic human respect. Soon they'll be installing RFID chips in their employees to make sure they're getting to bed early on an evening so as to be fully refreshed for the next day's pointless grind.

If you work for Tesco, hopefully you will find the time to take some sort of revenge against this least munificent of all employers. If you are able to approach one of these cameras without being spotted then perhaps Superglue and bog roll will be your friend :)

Fuck Tesco.

How Slack is Britain's Workforce?

2010-07-16T15:48:00.008+01:00

Not slack enough for my liking, frankly - only one in five UK workers feigned an illness the last time they took a day off work as sick leave.

Apparently there are a collective 800 million sick days taken each year across Europe, with more than 20% of them in the UK, so we Brits are more than holding our end up in Europe but there's still room for improvement!

Working Less Leads to Living More

2010-07-13T00:41:00.001+01:00

A nice article on living the 'spend less, earn less' way by Leilani Clark.

"...I felt the job had become completely unsustainable. I could no longer work the 10- to 12-hour days that it took to get all of the work done while remaining sane and healthy. I had no time for my relationships or for my own creative projects, much less for healthy living."

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Slackers

2010-07-09T07:20:00.003+01:00

The Summer is here at last! Unless you're already gainfully unemployed, this provides us with all the incentive we need to slack off to the max!

Some of these will be obvious to the more experienced slackers in your midst, but this is well worth a look. There's lots of other useful slacking content there too, I particularly enjoyed 'How to Sneak out of Work Early' . Enjoy :)

"So what do you do for a living, then?"

2010-05-24T15:37:00.004+01:00

Whenever the question of my employment status comes up in conversation there's one old chestnut that invariably rears its head:

"Really? I'd be so bored if I didn't have a job."

I imagine most of the people who trot out this well-worn cliché don't even give it a thought. Would they really be bored if freed from the clutches of their employer? Maybe their conditioning is more deeply entrenched than mine; maybe they have a stronger work ethic. I don't know. What I do know, however, is that I'm not bored. There's plenty to do.

I make the little money I need buying and selling via a small website. Part of my week is spent engaged in voluntary activities, projects that I believe strongly in and consequently am happy to work hard in support of. I run and maintain a small motorcycle from which I derive great enjoyment, especially on days as agreeable as today. I have, with the help of a couple of like-minded friends, secured a derelict flat above a shop (at a token rent - the shop owner sees us more as a deterrent to burglars than tenants) to use as a rehearsal space for our band. No, I'm not bored :)

The terminology used to describe people's employment status is effectively used to pigeonhole them and make a statement on their intrinsic worth as individuals. No job = unemployed, and if you're unemployed then by definition you don't do anything. You have no prospects, no value - the implication here being that we are what we do.

For my part I never use the 'U' word when describing my employment status - why should I allow myself to be labelled with such a perjorative term? I don't 'do nothing' after all. So depending on which day of the week is it, I may honestly answer 'musician', 'motorcycle mechanic', 'conservation worker' or anything else I feel like.

Part of escaping from the tyranny of full-time employment is the rejection of society's disparaging terminology used to categorise those who have successfully made the leap: 'dole scum', 'waster', 'idler', 'bum', 'dosser', etc. We are whatever we want to be.

Surfing the web at work

2010-05-04T18:57:00.003+01:00

I make no apologies at all for not having posted for so long, I've been far too busy having a nice time! There's no job on the horizon, and my little sidelines are still bringing in enough to get by so I don't propose to worry about that anytime soon.

Anyway, this post is for those of you unlucky enough to still be in employment of some sort. If your slave-master blocks social networking and other such time-wasting websites, then you need help. Happily, a kindly Sysadmin has posted some handy tips on circumventing these measures, enabling you to spend hours wastering about on the Web while getting paid.

National Sickie Day

2010-02-03T21:13:00.003Z

A more representative view of slacking than is usually presented in the mainstream media here from Libby Purves in the Times:

"So — while I hate to throw the ball back at employers in these hard times — if large numbers of your staff are croaking or texting “sick back tmrw” down the phone this morning it may not just be about them. It could be you."

Monotasking

2010-01-22T20:43:00.003Z

I was larding about this afternoon watching X-Files re-runs on my new toy, a Freeview+ PVR when I realised my attention had strayed onto the new Radio Times. Without actually thinking about it I'd started programming the thing to record shows for the coming week. It's not that I wasn't enjoying my Mulder and Scully-fest, far from it. I'd inadvertently slipped back into that evil of evils - multitasking. I had no reason to start one activity before I'd finished the previous one, so why did I do it? I guess I'm still breaking my programming after years of being encouraged to do three things at once in the inglorious world of work.

Having now noticed this undesirable trait I can identify other times when I've fallen into exactly the same trap, e.g. checking my email while listening to a radio programme. This is precisely the sort of behaviour I tried so hard to avoid at work, only to fall back into it now.

One activity at a time, and enjoy them all to the full :D

Snow Chaos on UK Roads!

2010-01-07T20:09:00.002Z

Yes, it's here again and even better than last year! The roads are impassable, public transport is disrupted (more than usual) and the pavements are treacherous - a gilt-edged skiving opportunity!

If you haven't yet phoned in to say you can't get to work - why not?

Time to go Bohemian

2010-01-03T22:26:00.000Z

"It's the third day of the year today. For the remaining 353 days, as Soichiro Honda had it, make work an expression of your own ideas, and enjoy it. If only we all embraced bohemia, what a society in harmonious rhapsody we'd all be living in."

Royal Fail

2010-01-03T10:36:00.003Z

Since October I've been relying on my little sidelines to bring in a few quid, with money getting tight I decided to take a Xmas job in a Royal Mail sorting office. The position of Christmas Casual is easily won - simply turn up at one of their recruitment days, prove that you can read (seriously!) and you're pretty much there. The money isn't good (£5.95 ph) and the hours are even worse but needs must just now...

The first thing that struck me was just how many of the permanent employees I met had become totally institutionalised and had not only worked for RM for between 20 and 30 years but spent all those years in the same sorting office! Given that the work there entails little more than shoving trolleys of parcels from one place to another I was hard pressed to make it to the end of my 2 1/2 week sentence.

They expect you to work for your six quid an hour too, far harder than I had any intention of working for such a paltry sum. Low-level skiving was actively discouraged, e.g. on standing around at the completion of a task while awaiting further instructions my temporary colleagues and I were told that if we didn't find someone to give us some work we'd be sent home without pay. This led us towards mobile skiving, which is far harder to detect - instead of simply larding around after finishing any given task we'd find empty trolleys to return to some as-yet unspecified destination. As the days passed these journeys grew ever more elaborate, involving multiple journeys in goods lifts.

In a situation like this it's really important to remember to pace yourself. The management pump out dreadful classic gold stations over the PA system to encourage people to work faster. It sounds obvious but working slower means less work, and less chance of getting a proper bad back instead of an altogether more useful imaginary one :) Some days we'd run out of work just after lunch and get sent home (again, without pay) so it really did make sense to spin out the available work for as long as possible. Eventually we were let go a day early, which frankly came as something of a relief. Anyway I'm back in the black for the time being, and looking forward to seeing what 2010 will throw my way!

Have an Idle New Year folks.

Work is good for you, apparently...

2009-12-07T07:58:00.002Z

One wonders who has funded a survey recently undertaken by the University of Manchester into sickness certification by GPs after surgery or a heart attack. As the study leader, Dr Richard Roope, comes out with such gems as

"There is good evidence to show that work is generally good for health"

we can only suppose that this is a prelude to the latest attempt by NuLabour to ensure that they extract the maximum work days from each of their meat-based resources before chucking what's left on the scrapheap. In a thinly-disguised attempt to force ill people back into work, our beloved government propose to replace the current Doctor's sick note with a system of 'Fit Notes' detailing what work a patient is still able to do while off sick.

Here's Dr Roope again:

"We need to get across to GPs and patients alike that 'being signed off' may actually be bad for the health of the patient, their employer and the country as a whole."

If you delete the word 'patient' and substitute 'economy' for 'country as a whole' I believe you have the true intentions of this survey and the government of the day in a nutshell. When this system is introduced next year, the GP will no longer be the patient's advocate but a lackey of the DWP in their tawdry attempts to screw every last drop of work from those least able to defend themselves. Hopefully the good people of the medical profession themselves will rebel against these measures, as I can see no other way to derail this mean spirited, cynical proposal.

Skint and Proud!

2009-11-24T15:29:00.003Z

While I'm making enough cash to get by at the moment, I'm enjoying the lack of work-related stress too much to get back on the treadmill for the foreseeable. So it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to hear that money is tight, with the temptation to consume omniprescent as usual. Something that helps me in this situation is to derive satisfaction from denying myself unnecessary purchases (CDs) or other outgoings (beer!). Making the decision not to buy stuff puts makes it possible for me to continue in the low-cash, time-rich lifestyle I currently enjoy - a decision that empowers me and puts me in a position of strength. And the position of being able to drink lots of tea, obviously :D

Life After Work

2009-11-18T21:20:00.003Z

I've been a free man for just a little over a fortnight now, and I'm not doing too badly. I've managed to make some money out of one of my interests, and combined with a little judicious buying and selling I've made as much pro rata as I was earning through my 'honest toil'. I'll never be rich, but I was never going to be that in the first place - far too lazy y'see - and I could care less!

No useful skiving tips or great insight (like you'd get that here anyway) this post, just clocking in and acknowledging that there really is life after work! More soon.

Breaking News!

2009-11-09T11:02:00.003Z

You'll never guess - apparently more than a third of all sickies are taken on a Monday! Who'd have thought it? Maybe there's a job for me at one of these market research companies, undertaking ground-breaking research like this...

But seriously though, there are a few interesting factoids scattered about in there:

Women throw 24% more sickies than men. Way to go, sisters!
Good old backache is the most popular short-term excuse, accounting for nearly a quarter of all sickies
On the 3rd and 4th of January 2008 5% of the UK population phoned in sick. Let's nominate one of these to become National Sickie Day!

The story ends with a few conclusions drawn by an occupational health psychologist, amongst which is this:

"People are doing more work under more demanding conditions so are under more stress and need more rest and recuperation. Some employees may feel the weekend is not enough so they take the extra day"

Yeah, either that or they just can't be arsed :) Tea, anyone?

References

2009-11-04T07:35:00.006Z

Well, I'm a free man at last! I don't propose to do anything immediately about finding alternative slacking opportunities, but when the time comes I will need references. Invariably two are required these days even to apply for the most menial of positions and I have access to only one, having worked for the same employer for some years. Admittedly I could provide two references from the same employer but in my case that would not be practicable - I certainly would not trust the HR department of that organisation to provide me with a fair and equitable reference.

So in this situation what's a slacker to do? Get creative, of course! Here's how you invent your very own reference:

Get an address where you can receive mail, one of your mates will do fine
Set up an email address for your referee, Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo are all fine
Buy a cheap mobile phone and get a free SIM card. Virgin is a good one as you get free voicemail and you can buy credit in £5 units

Using these simple measures will allow you to effectively write yourself a reference! It's best if this isn't your main one, I intend to say that I left the post in question about a year ago so I won't be expected to produce a P45 from this employer. Obviously nothing is ever 100% certain, but from personal experience I know that creating your own referee in this way works well.

The basics described above should serve you well, but if you're intending on applying for certain types of work your referee may need to have some sort of web presence. You may wish to consider some or all of the following:

Buy a domain name and set up a website, if you (or a willing mate) have the skills. Not expensive and guaranteed to impress dim-witted HR idiots. Make sure you register the domain in the name of your referee!
Most of the lazy and incompetent HR staff you will encounter spend half their working day on Facebook, so why not give your referee a page on there?
LinkedIn is like Farcebook but for professionals, it may be useful to post a little disinformation there too
You could even establish a presence on Twatter if you can be arsed. Can't say I'd go that far to get a job, mind...

...and beyond those few steps there are obviously other things you can do which will lend to the credibility of your new best friend. Whatever you do, use this information wisely, by which I mean don't apply for any full-time jobs or anything involving hard manual labour :) Happy slacking!

Work Kills Part 2

2009-10-23T23:58:00.006+01:00

This is interesting - now that getting the unemployed back into work falls under the auspices of unscrupulous private 'training' companies we're starting to hear all sorts of tales of abuse, bullying and general unpleasantness - in particular surrounding the New Deal. This particular tale of woe concerns a company called Careers Development Group (CDG) and their abuse of one particular female claimant.

Nasty.

I did it!

2009-10-08T23:15:00.002+01:00

Stringing out my sick leave for another week really would have been pushing it, so it was with a heavy heart that I returned to work. Not too heavy, obviously, as I handed in my notice immediately on my return. Game on!

Work Kills

2009-09-30T18:42:00.002+01:00

Yet more proof, as if it were needed that work is bad news - not only for you but your loved ones as well.

More of the same!

2009-09-30T12:37:00.002+01:00

I am delighted to report that my post-viral exhaustion has not yet passed, and this morning's visit to the GP sees me heading for the door with another week's sick note clutched firmly in hand!

I think three weeks will be the limit though, after this I shall have to return and deal with the matter in hand - namely, my resignation. Still, what better way to prepare oneself than with another week of idle pleasures?

More Slacker Cookery

2009-09-25T07:21:00.003+01:00

As I've got some time on my hands I'm making fishcakes today! Really simple, this one...

boil and mash some potatoes
cover whatever fish you have in water and cook
mix it all together with a nice big bunch of parsley, roughly chopped
add salt and pepper to taste
shape into individual fishcakes
get three bowls, one containing flour, one beaten egg and one breadcrumbs
dip each fishcake in that order

To cook - shallow fry on each side for a few minutes and finish in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 180 degrees.

As ever with true Slacker cookery make plenty (as they freeze well) and enjoy not cooking for several days!

Another Week's R&R for Slacker!

2009-09-23T20:15:00.003+01:00

My week's self certification ended today, so I visited the doctor with the aim of getting some more time off. The results were extremely satisfactory - I got signed off for a week with post-viral exhaustion! The doctor informed me that it can take up to a fortnight for this sort of thing to clear up fully, so guess what I'll be doing next Wednesday?

Best get the kettle on, eh?

The Prelude To A Giant Leap Of Faith

2009-09-16T21:33:00.000+01:00

Here's the current situation Chez Slacker: the Summer holidays have ended and I was due back at work today, so I rang in sick. After my week of self-certification is up I will go to the Doctor's and see if I can't get signed off, and once that's run it's course I'm going to resign. There are two main reasons for this:

I hate my job
Staying in this job is very much a case of 'Better the Devil you Know' - as long as there's a bit of money coming in I have insufficient motivation to put myself through the wringer of repeated applications and interviews in order to change jobs.

I have, therefore, reached the conclusion that the only way I will make the effort to find more agreeable employment is by first resigning from my current job.

Given that I have no respect for my incompetent colleagues, cretinous managers and idiot 'clients' I am forced to deal with you would think that this would be a trivial matter, but unfortunately this inalienable logic isn't sufficient to deal with my last-minute nerves. I've got to stick to my carefully thought-out plan and see it through - there's no turning back now. Life's too short for doubts.

Slacker's Day

2009-08-29T09:45:00.003+01:00

I spent a week at a friend's caravan by the coast this Summer. A charming old thing - a retired tourer that's now become a static - with a lean-to built on the side so there's somewhere to park your motorcycle out of the rain. The lean-to is a great place to sit in the evenings too - reading, enjoying a bottle of ale, or just watching the sun set. The 'van isn't surrounded by other holidaymakers either, as my friend struck a deal with a local farmer to site it in a secluded corner of one of his fields.

As well as being a miniature rural idyll for the likes of me, the caravan shows us how things could be done. It is entirely off-grid, but it has a solar panel and a small wind generator mounted on a pole behind it. These devices charge two large batteries and provide enough power to run 12V lights, charge a laptop, mobile phone etc. Listening to the radio is free as he has one of those old Baygen wind-up sets - self powered! Bottled gas provides cooking, heating and hot water. There is a chemical toilet, but this isn't used because there's nowhere to empty it. Instead a composting toilet has been constructed, a little way away. This also needs to be emptied, but instead of an evil chemical sludge this produces useful fertiliser - handy stuff to have on a farm! The caravan has a gas-powered shower, but in Summer I like to use the outdoor facilities. This is simply a shower tent fitted with a solar shower, once again - cheap, simple and effeective!

It's a great place to be able to go and hang out for a few days and forget about work hassles, but best of all when you're back at the grindstone you can't help daydreaming about being back there when you really should be working :) When faced with the 'W' word my mind will often wander off in search of a displacement activity and this usually involves going back over a particularly good day from recent times - Slacker's Day. In a couple of weeks or so I'll be daydreaming about (amongst other things) the happy times I spent out there.

We should all have a place to escape to, somewhere that re-energises and provides us with the inspiration to change our lives for the better. A place that reminds us that work is a means to an end and not life itself. I shall hold that thought when I (eventually) go back to work at the end of the Summer. Happy holidays, folks!

Swine Flu update

2009-08-27T10:28:00.003+01:00

It now seems that ringing the National Pandemic Flu Service and describing your symptoms will get you a sicknote for a week. Presumably it's possible to do this after already having self-certified for a week, thereby making it up to a round fortnight. Looks like I might not be going back to work next week after all!

Dear Virginia...

2009-07-28T09:31:00.003+01:00

I don't buy newspapers and seldom read them, but I did have cause to pick up a copy of the Independent yesterday in a spare moment. I was intrigued to read the day's 'dilemma' facing a correspondent to the newspaper's agony aunt, Virginia Ironside.

Dear Virginia,

My partner is driving me mad. He's never been much of a wage-earner, but for the past year he's become obsessed with saving the planet. He goes mad if I put things in the wrong recycling bin, spends a fortune in photocopying Greenpeace leaflets and is always emailing the council about carbon footprints.

If I complain he makes me feel guilty by saying I don't care about the environment. Meanwhile I am doing two back-breaking jobs just to keep us afloat. What can I do?

Yours sincerely, Tillie

The newspaper column included Virginia's response, along with those of a few readers, all of these portraying Tillie's partner as an idiot, waster, or mentally ill and deserving of nothing more than pity. I feel sorry for this man too, but not for the reasons given in the article. Let's look at the first piece of information Tilly feels she needs to tell us about her partner:

He's never been much of a wage-earner

and that, dear reader, appears to be the crux of the problem. She doesn't tell us that he's an unemployed waster, only that he doesn't earn much or - more to the point - not enough to satisfy her wanton consumerism. She makes no mention of personal hardships, or children to bring up, only that she holds down two jobs in order to "keep them afloat". One can only imagine that this "keeping afloat" consists of paying a mortgage they can't afford, crippling finance payments on 1/2 cars, gym membership, new plasma TV etc. etc.

There are two sides to every story, although you wouldn't think that when you look at some of what passes for journalism in the UK today. You might say that this is small fry, and in the grand scheme of things it is, but it is yet another example of the demonisation of those who choose to move away from a life of unsustainable consumerism and mindless toil. To the nameless partner in the story I would say only this: stick to your guns, and if Tilly is only interested in your bank balance (as seems likely) then move on. You're on the right track.

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining...

2009-07-21T17:33:00.003+01:00

One of the options being considered by the Department of Health for dealing with the Swine Flu pandemic is increasing the maximum period of self-certification from 7 to 14 days.

Currently those who suspect they have Swine Flu are being encouraged not to attend their local GP's surgery for fear of spreading infection, so under the proposed rules it would be entirely possible to have a fortnight off before even getting tested for the virus!

This is likely to be a short-term measure only, so if it does come off make sure you read up on 'your' symptoms and enjoy some extra holidays!

How Soon Is Too Soon?

2009-07-19T23:40:00.002+01:00

I've had enough of my job, of the people I work for, the people I work with and the people who walk in through the door every day. It's been this way for a while now, but it gets progressively more difficult every year after the Summer holidays. Inevitably we have arrived at the point where I can't face going back to work in September.

So now I'm faced with a difficult decision: do I grit my teeth and go back or do I visit the doctor and get signed off with the old standyby - stress? I'm more than confident that I can say what needs to be said and get the required result, but there's one big question left - am I playing the long term sickness card too soon? I mean that in the sense that I have another 20-odd years of working (slacking) life left ahead of me, and if I have an indefinite period of sick leave now will I be using my big opportunity to soon? I will almost certainly have to find another job at some point after leaving my current employment and if I have a record of poor health will it make me unemployable before I want that to happen? This is a tricky one for sure.

Commandment Number 7 - Cock Things Up

2009-07-09T19:00:00.001+01:00

I've just been lumbered with a job I shouldn't have been asked to do, which my boss implies needs to be completed over the Summer irrespective of whether it impinges on my holidays or not. Fat chance.

Here's what's going to happen: I propose to toss the job off as quickly as possible in the remaining few days I have at work. The content of the documents I shall produce will be vague at best, with large chunks copied from out-of-date versions or others found on the web, but they will be nicely presented. If something looks good, it will fool a surprising number of people irrespective of the actual quality.

By the time anyone has realised that my work is total crap, it will be too late. I will be able to make fatuous excuses for it's shortcomings on my return, by which time someone painfully diligent brown-nose will have re-done it anyway.

The main thing to remember here is that by cocking a job like this up I have exponentially reduced the chances of being dumped on again in the future.

Roll on the Summer holidays!

Funemployment

2009-07-06T00:46:00.002+01:00

It seems that some of America's victims of the global recession are finding that there's more to life than work.

“I could sit in my apartment and worry and make useless phone calls, but it’s hot and the air-conditioning costs money,” said David Marshall, a New Jersey carpenter who lost his job with a building contractor in March. “So it’s actually cheaper for me to spend my day at the beach.”

Enjoy the beach, David, your logic is impeccable! I raise my glass to you.

Too Hot For Work

2009-06-29T20:42:00.001+01:00

Well, it's been a very pleasant day here, I was supposed to spend it at work but I decided not to bother. I claimed flu symptoms, which in the current climate has even my manager insisting I don't return until I'm well and truly 'better'.

I was woken by my OH getting ready for work, and once she'd left I made The Phone Call and had breakfast. I then returned to bed, snoozing and listening to music until 10ish. Then up for a shower and a bacon butty and off across town to visit a fellow idler and old friend. We had lunch and discussed projects and upcoming festivals while drinking huge quantities of industrial strength tea. Then it was back across town and home in time to get the tea on, and a relaxing early evening watching a couple of DVDs with a glass of red close at hand. Be honest, would you rather be at work?

It would be highly suspicious if my symptoms were to disappear overnight, so the only sensible thing to do is phone in again tomorrow and spend the day in the back garden reading and listening to music. A tough assignment, I know, but one I feel I'm equal to :)

Training Courses

2009-06-25T20:48:00.005+01:00

Once again the summer is approaching, bringing with it the silly season where my colleagues and I are shoved in the direction of any number of dull and entirely pointless 'development opportunities'. While undoubtedly irritating, this does present some handy wastering opportunities to the enterprising slacker.

For example, most of our courses take place at sites other than the one I work at. If this applies to you too, then my first piece of advice is this: have a lie in, use public transport and arrive late. Phone ahead, sounding suitably stressed, and explain that - despite your best efforts - you won't make it on time. Someone will save you copies of the inevitable Powerpoint and a seat, and more importantly you will have no explaining to do when you eventually arrive. If you get it just right, you'll arrive just in time for the first break, and a well-earned cup of tea :)

Having missed the fist-chewingly awful 'ice breaker' activity (good work!) you'll need to attach yourself to a group. Choose the one containing anyone you know who likes the sound of their own voice, in fact the more known gobshites the better. This will ensure that you can sit at the side of the group taking no effective part. Try to look interested at this point, but don't be tempted to join in any discussion or attract attention to yourself.

Lunch is a good opportunity for you and any other malcontents to slope off, either to the pub or to avoid work talk by eating in your own little group. You should use this as a networking opportunity and see how many other slackers you can make contact with.

If the afternoon session drags on much past 3 pm then you will see the parents in the group making their excuses as they leave to collect their offspring from school. It is at this point that you should get up, nod towards the facilitator (without actually saying anything) and clear off with all due haste. It will be assumed that you are one of the aforementioned parents, and as long as you say nothing to encourage this misconception you'll be fine.

You will by now have been weighed down by a huge wad of notes, handouts, charts and Powerpoint slides - all of which are, of course, total crap. Dump it in the recycling on your way out, otherwise it will sit on the back seat of your car for a year before you bin it, unread.

If all goes to plan you'll be home earlier than a normal day, and you'll have done even less work than usual!

Lazy People

2009-06-24T21:44:00.001+01:00

It's nice to know that while some people may have worked us out, they haven't yet worked out how to deal with us. Other than doing our work for us, that is.

Damn :)

"But What If Everyone Was Like You?"

2009-06-23T10:41:00.004+01:00

If you ever discuss slacking off/work-life balance et al with a certain type of person you will invariably hear this question posed. The logic implied here is fatally flawed, of course - really it's asking:

"I may not like being a full-time wage slave, but imagine the consequences if everybody decided not to be, en masse? Who would empty the bins? Who would make the iPods?"

Well, imagine if everyone did slack off to some degree - skiving, part-time working, dole bludging, whatever. Taken to it's logical conclusion the consequences could indeed be far-reaching and maybe even beneficial - the collapse of capitalism and globalism anyone? Whatever. The fact is it's not worth discussing for one simple reason - it'll never happen.

Too many generations of people have invested too much of their lives in the pursuit of career, rampant consumerism and a bit of God-bothering in order to feather the virtual nest for the "next life". The prospect that there is only this life is too scary a concept for many to deal with. For all too many of these sheep, a radical lifestyle change would be an admission of failure, a failure too great to deal with or even contemplate.

So, fellow Slackers, you can see that the status quo remains entirely un-threatened by our lack of any discernible work ethic. Many of our career-minded colleagues live empty lives, trapped in their endless spiral of debt and the insatiable need for that new Blu-Ray player. These people seek some sort of validation for their lives, and total immersion in their (often mindless and unimportant) work is usually what provides it.

We won't change the world - that sounds far too much like hard work anyway - and we'll never take over. That said, if the fascist, racist scum of the BNP can win the odd seat in the European parliament I'm sure a Slacker Party could do considerably better. But that was and never will be the point. The irony of our work-obsessed, micro-managed, CCTV-surveillance society is that it works for the likes of us. So many of the herd are so preoccupied with maintaining their position in the Rat Race that we slip quietly under the radar, largely unnoticed. And then sneak off somewhere for a quick kip :D

Would You Work For Nothing?

2009-06-17T17:58:00.003+01:00

Of course some people do, myself included, but what British Airways are currently proposing is outrageous. Wage slavery is bad enough, but take away the wage and what are you left with? This is just the latest in a long line of oppressive manoeuvres by the UK's employers. We are now expected to believe that a job is such a valuable commodity that we should pay for the privilege of having one. Piss on that.

If there are periods of unemployment to be taken at BA then let them be taken by the upper echelons of management, the people in no small way responsible for the mess that the company finds itself in. Their hugely-inflated wages, fiddled expenses and bonus payments will make a far greater difference to BA's profitability than penalising baggage handlers and their ilk.

Having said all this, anyone who already subscribes to the Slacker lifestyle would no doubt jump at the possibility of a month's sabbatical from the tedious confines of their employment. One can only hope that the recession will make a few people re-assess their unsustainable materialism and consider what they truly want to get out of life.

If more employers are considering this then let's hope for a really good Summer, one which will live on in the memory of those pushed by circumstances into spending more time with their loved ones and in the pursuit of their own interests. Maybe that will make some of them reconsider what they have, until now, been doing with their lives? Let's hope so.

How To Do Nothing At Work And Get Away With It

2009-06-16T17:33:00.001+01:00

Some humorous suggestions, but some excellent ones in these two articles:

How To Do Nothing At Work And Get Away With It

Even More Ways To Do Even Less At Work And Still Get Away With It

I'd completely forgotten about Boss Keys, I shall investigate further!

The Ethics of Lying

2009-06-14T18:35:00.002+01:00

In an earlier post I referred to lying to your work colleagues in the course of throwing a sickie. There's a whole moralistic fervour whipped up by a variety of Flat Earth god-bothering types at the first mention of fibbing, all of whom will gleefully tell you what a sin this is and how you will be damned for all eternity, etc. etc.

Religion only exists for one reason - to control the masses; to subjugate them and separate them from as much of their hard-earned as possible. Lying is touted as a grave sin simply because by doing so you can hide your true intentions from those who seek to oppress you - state, church, employer, take your pick.

I don't suggest for one minute that lying is always the right course of action, far from it. Being true to those you love and trust is the only way to proceed. It is simply that I object vehemently to the act of telling an untruth being classified as automatically wrong.

White lies are an important part of our arsenal, fellow Slackers. The truth is only to be dispensed to those who deserve it - use it wisely :)

Workplace Relationships

2009-06-06T09:33:00.002+01:00

When dealing with co-workers on a day-to-day basis it's best to keep things on a professional basis. Developing friendships in the workplace can be hugely problematic to your slacking.

There will be times when you need to go off sick or avoid work in some other way, and this may well have consequences for your colleagues. You shouldn't worry about this, as the vast majority of them have fully bought into the system and will see moaning about the idle wasters they work with as part of the package. Indeed, picking up your badly-done or incomplete work will give most of them a false sense of importance. Make no mistake - these people, by their very acquiescence, are as much your enemy as the employer who seeks to enslave you.

If you start to feel some misplaced loyalty to these sheep then two things can happen:

you will feel pressured into becoming a 'team player' and, God forbid, actually pulling your weight at work
you will be diverted from the true path of slacking out of fear of alienating your 'friends'

Keeping your co-workers at arm's length has other benefits too, in that it's easier to lie as necessary without getting caught out. In an earlier post I referred to the ficticious second job I use to avoid going to meetings and courses on my days off. This is also useful when booking holidays, often a contentious area where I am currently employed. I submit my leave request explaining that these are the only times I can be off from both jobs at the same time, which usually carries the day. You can also invent a high-powered job for your partner that you have to fit in around if that'll help. As long as the porkies you tell aren't too outrageous, maintaining a polite distance from your colleagues will mean that nothing you say can be disproved.

Obviously, the one exception to this rule applies when you encounter another slacker. In that instance you should make every effort to pool knowledge and share resources and plans!